I speak only a scant few words of French and no Kréyol, but when a Haitian dude in a boat at our resort mimed eating and said the word 'poisson', my response was an enthusiastic, 'Oui!' Crew assembles and 'Frizzy' rows us over to the plage publique for some fresh-caught, fire-grilled fish followed by a big ol' lobster for dessert.

It was so good, we repeat the trip the next day. This time we're greeted by what must be an entire regiment of the Haitian National Police. Clearly, they weren't expecting 3 caramel mermaids to wash ashore, but they welcomed us accordingly.

One officer was being particularly flirty. I reminded him of the very prominent band on his finger. "No. No. I'm not married."

“Oh yeah? I'm sure your wife would disagree.”

"No," he reassured. "I'm not married to a girl, I'm married to a spirit. To Erzulie."

Oh. Yeah. Well... super naw, then, officer.