Beware the 1SFA: The Trap of One-Size-Fits-All

Alright, kids. Here’s a little analogy that explains what I think of as,

‘The 2 Basic Approaches to Living Life’.

Imagine life starts out in a large department store. It’s big and brightly lit with rows and rows of fully stocked racks of the exact same garment. Made of the exact same material. In the exact same size. In the exact same color. There are large posters of attractive models wearing the one-size-fits-all garment hanging all around the store. If you choose one of these garments, you’ll also get a lifetime membership to a 1SFA club that gives you access to an array of perks & benefits, as long as you’re wearing your 1sFA garment.

There’s also a section off to the side of the store. In this section, are several tables full of well-preserved but previously-owned items heaped into piles. Some of the items are rack, many are designer. It’s a mixed bag. You can choose as many of these items as you like for one price, and you’ll also be given sewing materials for customizing or tailoring them.

Each of us has a choice… will we select the one-size-fits-all-garment or put something together from the pile of used clothes?

Approach #1 - One-Size-Fits-All, aka, 1SFA

get lifetime membership with your purchase

Join the club. Get perks, benefits & premium access.

The first, and by far, the most popular option is the 1SFA (pronounced: ‘once-fuh’). For many, the 1SFA just happens to fit them perfectly. They are the right size and shape for the garment to look on them like it does on the attractive models in the store. The color agrees with them, and the material feels just right.

For many others, it’s simply the easier option. There’s plenty available, I can just go and grab one and be on my way. Plus, if the models look great in them, I’m sure I will too. Besides, everyone else looks like they’re choosing these. I don’t want to be the only weirdo wearing something different. And… used clothes? Ugh. I could never. I don’t care how designer they are. I want to be the first and only to wear the garment that everyone else is wearing. That free lifetime membership deal is definitely for me. I like perks!

Approach #2 - Create Your Own Look

everything must go

Designer closeouts. Gently-used. All sales final.

This option is less popular primarily because it’s less attractive. A pile of used clothes isn’t much of a match against brightly lit, well-organized racks of clothes with hot models wearing them. So why would anyone choose this option at all? The short answer: because they have to. Perhaps they’re deathly allergic to the 1SFA garment’s material. Maybe they’re just too big to even try to fit into a single-sized garment. Maybe they tried the 1SFA for a while and realized they didn’t like it or that they wanted to try the other approach for a while before making a final decision. Maybe none of the attractive models looked like them. Maybe the perks weren’t perkin’ enough. Any number of reasons could compel someone to opt out of the 1SFA option. And opting out really wouldn’t be that much of a problem if….

The Twist

it’s what everyone who’s anyone is wearing

The New 1SFA Collection

Now available everywhere

Let’s say that the store owner earns way more profit off of the 1SFA outfits than the used ones. The 1SFA garments sell at a pretty high price and they are always in high demand. Since there’s more money to be made, the store owner promotes the 1SFA garments more, maybe even suggesting that 1SFA-wearers are better than the bespoke crowd.

The idea takes hold, then takes form. Some 1SFA-wearers believe that there’s probably something wrong with the bespoke crowd - it’s their fault they’re so big. And if all of us 1SFAs aren’t allergic to the material and we’re perfectly normal, than the allergic must be dysfunctional or disturbed. Those who used to wear 1SFA? Oh, they’re just confused or off the path. We have ways of converting them back.

Now, the bespoke crowd have a problem.

If they continue to wear their self-created looks, they may become targets. Of shame, ridicule, discrimination, violence. The price of the bespoke garment just got a lot higher. Even if they are allergic, even if they’re too big, would it not be less risky to just fit in to the 1SFA garment? ‘Maybe I can just wear the 1SFA in public,’ they reason. ‘I can wear whatever I want behind closed doors.’ For some, it’s a compromise worth making. For others, not so much.

Out of all this confusion around size and style and structure of garment, come all sorts of mis-fits and allergic reactions like:

• imposter syndrome

• masking

• identity crisis

• negative self talk

Those for whom the 1SFA doesn’t naturally fit will have to contend with one or all of these regardless of if they choose to fit in or not. This is the case for many so-called marginalized people - the indigenous, the queer, the neurodivergent, the immigrant… anyone who is made to feel like an ‘outsider’ or ‘other’.

For them, the double-sided trap of the 1SFA is this:

Either force yourself into a garment that doesn’t fit or change yourself to fit the garment.

This typically means a literal or figurative modification or ‘cutting off’ of things that are essential to the shape and size of you, including your:

• language

• name

• hair

• clothing

• behavior

• practices of cultural significance

The often-missed irony in this choice is that in doing so, it can become more difficult for you to stand out when you want to. In short, when you fall into the 1SFA trap, you may lose your most strategic advantage.

poor little mermaid

now in theaters

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Subscribe to my YouTube Channel to learn how to use your story as your strategic advantage.

how do i know what my purpose is?

Audio Transcript:

I used to feel like, 'Oh, my purpose is something that I need to really clearly delineate and get exactly right. This statement that's 100% correct. And, I feel like this is it. It's unchanged. I've defined it, it's finite, it's in stone. This is what I'm about.'

And that's not it. I don't think that's what purpose is. I think the very fact of having a big why is in itself the big why. The desire to find purpose is in itself a purpose. So I think this need to wanna get it just right is this sort of old way we're used to relating with ideas of highest self or higher beings, or religion or callings or all of this is that there's a right way and a wrong way and you gotta get it right or else you're wasting your time or you're not gonna reach enlightenment or whatever it is.

But I think when you really look at any of the ways of living, the religions, the philosophies, whatever. They are, just that. They are ways of living. So when we're even thinking about purpose or something like that, that is also a driving force, a guiding North star in our lives, it's not so much about what you're doing, it's about how you're doing. It's about how you're living. Not 'am I doing the right things', but, 'am I having the right experience?' Am I doing these things in a way that represents all of my values, my goals, my role models? Am I doing my life in a way that aligns with whatever the tenets of my innermost religion are?

So I think when it comes to the 'big why', resist the temptation to get hung up on clearly and precisely defining it to the Nth degree or with a very specific set of words. Now, if you're able to do that, hallelujah. That's great!, But also be open to that, changing every 5, 7, 10, however many years. It may not stay the same for the entire of your story, and that is fine because that would suggest that you are still an organic living, volatile evolutionary being.

The 5 Self-Assessments I Do Before Goal-Setting

Every wise explorer carries something to navigate by.

Especially if what you’re exploring is yourself. 

Whenever I’m planning to make a major shift or a significant life change, I carve out time for a little self-exploration beforehand.

Why?

When I’m do something that doesn’t look like it makes sense to others, I have to be pretty sure of myself and the ‘big whys’ behind my big leap or big shift.

A few of the ‘senseless’ things I’ve done in the past:

• Quit my ‘good corporate job’ as a management consultant to invest in real estate

• Quit my ‘good corporate job’ as an IT project manager to become a freelance writer

• Quit my ‘good corporate job’ as a content strategist to move to Spain and teach English

And I recently quit my ‘good corporate job’ to start following my purpose.

After 4 years of working in an environment that tested my self-confidence and my commitment to my personal values, I knew I needed to spend some time getting reacquainted with myself without the constant stress and anxiety that comes with being in a situation or environment that is just not the right fit.

I turned to several personality assessments - some I’d taken before, some I hadn’t - to help me dig deep and really put some effort into my answers to the questions: 

‘Who Am I?’

 and,

‘Why Am I Here?’

Answering these questions allow me to enter my life planning or goal-setting process with clarity. Not just clarity about what I want - i.e., what I want to accomplish, what I want to have more of, what I want to have less of - but clarity about who I am now, who I am becoming, and what will help me bridge the gap between the two.

Having the answers to these questions gives me the essential ingredients I need to begin writing my life story. To assume the role of the hero in my own story. To stop waiting for external achievement, relationship or reward to make me feel complete or valued.

I believe that each of us was sent to the world at the exact time we were born because we have a mission to complete. Some call that mission destiny, others call it purpose. But whatever you call it, it’s this driving force that will really help us feel fulfilled in life versus only feeling accomplished.

To make sure I get the maximum value out of these personality assessments, I developed a process of extracting the most meaningful bits of each assessment and using them as inputs to:

1. Defining my life story’s main character

2. Creating the outline for my life story

As with life, it’s not just about the results of the test, but what you do with those results that matters most.

Below are the 5 personality assessments I use before I begin life planning or goal-setting. For more details on how I use each assessment, and how I create my Declaration of Self and my Life Value Map from the results, click each link to explore further.

My 5 Go-To Self-Assessments:

1. Natal chart

2. Typefinder (aka, Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator)

3. Enneagram

4. Life Values Inventory

5. StrengthsFinder

The Life Planning Outputs I Create from My Self-Assessments:

• Declaration of Self

• Life Value Map

Using Stories for Goal-Setting and Life Planning: Write, Then Edit

Writing Your Life story isn’t just about being inspired.

Crafting your life story chapter by chapter takes commitment to a process, or at least, to a set of guiding principles or habits. Much of story-writing or storytelling involves following a process that transforms the artist into a craftsman.

I’m writing the story of my life each and every day. The quality of my life story will largely be determined by the guiding principles I follow and the habits I develop. These principles and habits should be organic enough to allow me to respond to what’s happening in the moment, but also structured enough to make sure I don’t lose sight of my story.

Some of My Guiding Life Principles

·       Flexibility

·       Experimentation

·       Experiences over possessions

·       Belonging is better than fitting in

Some of My Life Habits

·       Regular self-reflection

·       Time spent in nature

·       Travel

Editing My Story

You can’t edit a story while you’re writing it.

Writing requires you to be present in the moment. Editing is when you have time to analyze, critique, review and adjust. Editing helps refine the initial draft of your life story into a finished product that has greater clarity and meaning.

When I take time out for self-reflection and self-development, I’m editing my life story. As I’m writing my story – living each day, going on adventures, encountering success and failure – I’m in the middle of it all, I’m too close, too emotionally involved in the events that are unfolding to assess them accurately in the moment.

I have to occasionally pause and reflect on everything that’s happened to put it in context, and determine what adjustments need to be made. Regular self-reflection allows me to mine the newly-written parts of my life story for jewels that I can use to keep creating better and better storylines.

My Daily Self-Reflection Practices

I use some combination of the following on a daily basis:

• writing,

• voice notes,

• meditation,

• quiet thinking,

• listening to self-development podcasts

• reading an essay or listening to speeches (e.g., Ted talks)] 

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So, let’s recap the steps to taking a story-based approach to goal-setting:

1. Define Your Main Character

2. Understand the Backstory

3. Outline the Plot

4. Write, Then Edit

While it’s a bit more detailed than traditional goal-setting, I think that the outcome of the story-based approach is much more meaningful and makes me way more excited to pursue my goals.

Next, I’ll share the steps I use to turn my Life Value Map into a ‘neverending story’ that makes me feel like an overachiever even when I don’t accomplish any of the goals I originally set.

we're all broken

Fact is... we're all #broken, hurt, damaged by something that life or loved ones (most often those who were expected to protect us) have dealt out. But after a certain age, it becomes our personal #responsibility to not only admit the hurt, to shine a light on and turn a mirror to the cracked and chipped places, but to #heal it for ourselves. There are many paths to this #healing, and almost all of those paths will initially seem to be as painful as the #hurt itself. This is what causes many of us to avoid those paths, to stop short, to turn back and seek temporary medicines instead. Things that #mask the symptom of pain yet ultimately make us dependent. #Cruelty is 1 of those temporary medicines. When an #unhealed person is #cruel to another, it's a solace. At least now, they think, I am not alone in my hurt. I can see my pain reflected in someone else, which means I am here. I still matter. The dependence on cruelty as a form of #succor is the damaged ego's way of validating its existence. Of ensuring that the deep-rooted pain that defines it, will never go away.

you might be a bon vivant if...

Unfortunately, the term bon vivant is one that is not well understood or is often misconstrued to be an individual who puts on airs or enjoys a excessively lavish, high-priced lifestyle.

Of course, I couldn’t disagree more. So in an effort to clear up any confusion, I’ve penned what I hope will be an informative series of clues that will more clearly define what it means to be a bon vivant and help you decide if you are one of that illustrious ilk known as bon vivants.

Let’s get started, shall we?
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You enjoy and actively seek out experiences involving food, drink, and travel

Source: lawsofmodernwoman.tumblr.com via kisha on Pinterest

Bon vivants are sensualists at heart, and anything that stimulates the senses is right up their alley. It’s no surprise that the bon vivant’s greatest passion is food and drink, since dining is one of life’s activities that involves all five senses at once. Travel is generally a close second, since it offers the bon vivant the opportunity for new culinary experiences.  The thorough enjoyment and passionate pursuit of good food, good drink, and good company is a tell-tale sign of a bon vivant.
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You like work, but only if you can have fun doing it.

Living the good life doesn’t usually conjure up images of workday drudgery. So, many bon vivants  will only pursue professions that they truly enjoy. But not every bon vivant has a cool job, nor is everyone with a cool job a bon vivant. Many bon vivants have fairly traditional jobs, but very non-traditional career paths or working schedules. One bon vivant I know literally works to travel, and spends up to 2 months a year away from his high-profile corporate job. Another I know has no job to speak of, and lives modestly (but well) off income from past investments. And yet another bon vivant friend has taken a 2-year-on, 1-year-off approach to employment. She works in her chosen field for about 2 years, then takes every 3rd year to do whatever she likes, whether it be travel, volunteer work, or work on her never-quite-finished novel.
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You enjoy having money only because it enables your lifestyle

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” – Groucho Marx

For bon vivants, the amount of money they have is secondary to the type of lifestyle they lead. In fact, many bon vivants aren’t anywhere near wealthy, and aren’t driven by financial gain. But since they value high quality experiences, bon vivants usually have the financial means to indulge their tastes. As previously revealed, many bon vivants choose non-traditional jobs to earn money. Some bon vivants were simply born into money. Others, unfortunately, may resort to less scrupulous methods to maintain their lifestyles, including cons, marrying for money, or becoming a ‘kept’ man or woman.

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You have an extensive and varied social network

Bon vivants love to surround themselves with interesting people. Especially those with unusual occupations, intriguing conversations or personality traits that the bon vivant finds entertaining in some way.

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You have above average intelligence

Bon vivants tend to not only be well-educated, but also well-learned. They are perpetual students, always seeking to learn new ideas, languages, skills, and concepts. But unlike academicians or scholars, bon vivants often get bored with classroom learning, and prefer to learn by experience. Bon vivants are likely to opt for apprenticeships and self-directed learning to sharpen their intelligence instead of rigorous classroom instruction and advanced degrees.

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You’re a Jack or Jill of all trades

The bon vivant’s love of novelty inspires him to cultivate many interests and skills, and he’s usually experienced enough in all of them to be dangerous. As a result, bon vivants thrive in careers or professions where they can be generalists or universal adapters versus specializing in one well-defined area of practice.

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You’re equally philosophical, spiritual, and religious

Because of their unconventional ways of thinking and living, bon vivants aren’t likely to be strictly religious. They may even have their own sense of morality or spirituality that is a hybrid of several religions or philosophical traditions. Yet even professed atheist bon vivants will usually have a strong sense of right and wrong that guides their behavior and is reflected in the behaviors and philosophies of their friends and associates.
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You tend to overindulge in both work and pleasure, often to the detriment of your health

“My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends – It gives a lovely light.” ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Bon vivants are known for burning the candle at both ends. Since their work is also their play, they are likely to spend long hours at their profession, with seemingly endless energy for the tasks at hand. Bon vivants put as much energy into their leisure (especially wining and dining) as they do their work. Though this work hard, play harder mentality often earns them the admiration of their associates, it can be quite detrimental to their mental and physical health. The bon vivant’s penchant for packing a lot of living into a short period of time is one reason – I’m sad to say – that many bon vivants throughout history have died relatively young.

“Human happiness and contentment involve so much more than improved material conditions… to say this is not to decry the importance of material alleviations, only to insist that they do not by themselves produce the good life.” – John Hewetson

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You value high-quality goods, services, and experiences

Bon vivants have high standards of quality, but aren’t necessarily big spenders. A bon vivant will go out of her way for the higher quality item, but isn’t necessarily swayed by the more expensive item.

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You are uninhibited (or less inhibited than most) or gregarious

There’s a reason that bon vivants tend to have such a wide and diverse circle of friends. They have no problem striking up conversation with relative strangers. And because of their diverse experiences and education, they’re generally able to find something to talk about with almost anyone. This social self-assuredness makes the bon vivant both fun to have and easy to spot at parties. He’s usually the one enthralling a small group of people with his sparkling wit, a funny story, or a string of well-timed bon mots between sips of his drink.
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You are heavily dependent on rewards from others

Since bon vivants are such social creatures, they will often choose professions with higher visibility and influence, even if it means lower pay. More than most, the bon vivant is motivated by people’s appreciation of her and her work. This is why many bon vivants tend to thrive as performers, artists, and politicians. Read Psychology Today’s ‘Field Guide to the Bon Vivant’ for more on this trait.

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You’re somewhat irreverent or a button pusher

Bon vivants are very keen on social graces and will shun those who obviously lack them – as it offends their sensibilities and love of beauty. However, bon vivants enjoy thwarting or challenging conventional ideas, and the bon vivant is often the first to bring up a controversial subject or adopt an unconventional, eyebrow-raising lifestyle.
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You dress well and/or in a way that expresses your uniqueness

To the bon vivant, image isn’t everything, but it’s pretty damned important. Bon vivants love to express themselves, and their choice of clothing is one of the main ways by which they do it. In other areas of life, bon vivants tend to gloss over the fine points, but when it comes to their clothing, they’re all about the details. Accessories like feathers, hats, scarves, bow ties, rings, and brooches are favorites of the bon vivant, as are unique blends of contemporary and classic styles.

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You enjoy life to the fullest

Bon vivants recognize that living a good life doesn’t mean there will be no bad times. In fact, it’s the bad times that make the good times taste even sweeter. Whether they’re down on their luck or riding high, bon vivants find a reason to celebrate life for as long as they live.

“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” – W. M. Lewis
“May you live every day of your life.” – Jonathan Swift

my personal health manifesto

I’ve had fits and starts with making permanent – and hopefully beneficial – changes to my lifestyle. While I’m still not 100% there, I’ve already made several small adjustments and have begun to see noticeable benefits. Those results are encouraging. They’re also evidence that I don’t have to make this ‘reclaiming health’ thing overly complicated. I just need to exercise some common sense and a little bit of commitment. Since I know that I’ll occasionally need a reminder of what it is I should be focusing on, I decided to pen my own personal health manifesto.
Wanna hear it? Hear it goes….

1. I have to be my own health advocate. A doctor is not an all-knowing source of medical wisdom. He/she is a practitioner. And practitioners of any craft are as much students as they are adepts. I have the responsibility to educate myself on my own body and conditions so that when I meet with the practitioner, I can engage in thoughtful dialogue and Q&A with him or her and challenge (respectfully) the info he/she provides. We are a team. I should not just take what is said or prescribed as Bible truth. I should use that as a launching point for further investigation, so that when I next meet with him / her, we can continue to plot a course to optimal health for me together. If my chosen practitioner is not open to this type of relationship with me, I should choose another.

1. My body is itself a store of wisdom. If I quiet myself and listen, really pay attention to it, I will receive tons of clues about what might be causing dis-ease or imbalance within me. I was gifted with intuition to do this work, and I should make a conscious effort to strengthen this gift by paying attention to outward signs of inner distress or well-being. My skin, hair, nails, weight, emotions, eyes, teeth, gums, bowel movements, and menstrual periods are all readily accessible and easily observable external signs that give me clear clues as to how I am doing inside. I should not ignore these things or think of them as yucky, messy, gross, or inconsequential. I should pay attention and note any significant changes in them. I should seek out tools and reliable educational materials that allow me to accurately interpret what these changes could be saying about my overall health.

1. Diet (i.e., what I put in my body as food, fuel, or sustenance) is of paramount importance. The KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid) method applies here. The simpler the food, the more beneficial it is to me. The more the food looks like it did in its original state, the better it is for me. If it comes wrapped in plastic, encased in cardboard, Styrofoam, cellophane, aluminum, or glass, it is probably less beneficial than things that don’t. I should avoid those types of food as much as possible, but where I can’t or don’t want to, I should both: be very aware (by reading labels) of what extra / unnecessary / unhealthy ingredients are coming inside that package; and be sure to balance consumption of those foods with other, healthier choices. I will limit my consumption of foods prepared by strangers. It is my belief that the closer my relationship to the preparer of the food, the more likely that food is to be good (or at least not bad) for me. I will prepare my own meals as much as possible. I will plan ahead by stocking my fridge / cabinets / workspace with foods that are good for me, so I am not forced to make bad decisions due to limited options.

1. ExerciseMovement is essential. Because I am not an athlete and never plan to be, nor am I a supermodel (though I could be… lol!), I refuse to become obsessed with points, pounds, number of reps, number of calories burned, miles logged, etc. My only obsession will be making time daily or at least 4 out of 7 days to get in the movement that I enjoy, that brings me pleasure, and preferably, that causes me to break a sweat. For me, this includes: dancing, gardening, stretching, dancing, swimming, hiking, biking, stretching, dancing, and stretching. Also – sex is exercise. Especially when done with a partner, and especially when done right.

1. Nature is a source of regenerative energy and healing for me. Its cycles mirror my own internal cycles of birth, growth, death, and rebirth. I must dedicate time to interact with nature on a daily basis, whether by combining it with my physical activity (e.g., hiking, gardening, walking), by meditating on some aspect of nature (e.g., a tree, squirrels playing in the yard, a vase of fresh cut flowers), or incorporating nature into or acknowledging it as I go about my daily routines (e.g., taking lunch outside, touching a leaf as I pass, observing the movement of the clouds overhead).

1. My mental diet is as important as my physical diet. The information and ideas I consume have a direct impact on the health of my mind and emotions. I will make conscious decisions about the books and magazines I read, the websites I visit, the TV programs and movies I watch, and the conversations and friendships I enter into and foster. This does not mean that I will only consume info or ideas that I agree with, but that I will limit intake of such info that leaves me feeling distressed, anxious, uneasy, or causes an uptick of negative emotions or associations about myself, others, or the world around me.

1. Vices. I like to stay up late. I like to drink. I occasionally like to smoke. I like to drive over the speed limit. I tend to stress. I recognize that none of these things are beneficial to my health, especially if done to a level of excess or overindulgence. At this point, I don’t think I can or want to eliminate any of these behaviors 100%. I accept the inherent risk I am assuming by not being able to do this, and plan to at least minimize / mitigate that risk in the following ways:

   • If I stay up late (or don’t get enough sleep) one night, I will go to bed early the following night and/or sleep in late the following morning, and/or incorporate a nap the following day or days.

   • I will not drink during the week. If I find myself at a weekday event or occasion where alcohol is a factor, I will opt for my non-alcoholic beverage of choice (grapefruit juice and tonic water).

   • I will try to limit smoking to ‘special occasions’ (e.g., 2-3 times / year). Since I’m especially tempted to smoke either when stressed or when drinking, I will ask myself these 3 questions when the temptation arises: 1) is this worth a new wrinkle? 2) is this worth an increase in blood pressure? 3) is this worth dying for?

   • When I recognize stress in myself, I will either: remove myself from the stressful situation, reframe the situation in a more positive light, or focus on my breathing (i.e., taking several deep breaths until I feel the stress is reduced or eliminated.

1. I will practice self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. Not beating myself up for falling off the wagon or experiencing setbacks, but using such experiences to reflect on what caused the setback and what I need to adjust to get back on track.

Do you have any healthy reminders for yourself? How do you keep yourself on track with your health and wellness goals?