the summer fling - how to find one and work it like a pro
How to attract, land, and exit a summer fling with grace and style. Plus Atlanta-area summer events that are sure to have some fling-worthy folks in attendance.
Nothing says summer like a hot, steamy, and ultimately temporary romantic escapade. As youngsters, it was relatively easy to find a summer fling. Your parents would ship you off to summer camp or a multi-week stay with distant relatives, and before you knew it, you'd hooked up with a cute guy or gal who you clung to with all the intensity of someone who knew they had a limited-time offer on their hands. But, that was then. Now that you're all growed-up, it can be downright difficult to find a casual companion to spend the sweltering summer months with. Never fear, Dear Reader. These tips should help.
Show Some Skin.
This doesn't imply that you should go for the plungiest neckline or the shortest shorts you own. Skin-showing is an art that, if done poorly, can be more offensive than it is attractive. Some smart ways to show skin? Put your hair into a easy updo to show off the nape of your neck. If you're a jeans-everyday kinda guy or gal, work in some shoulder- or ankle-revealing sundresses or seersucker pants. And, if you've got a beach-ready body, by all means, break out your bikini and hit the pool or sand to soak up some rays (and Bobs, and Davids, and Erics...)!
If you want to practice your skin-showing (or viewing) skills, might I suggest:
Elevate - the weekly summer pool party at the W Atlanta Downtown, hosted by DJ Mike Zarin. Starts June 24.
Ditch Your Pals (Occasionally).
If you're always surrounded by people you know, you'll be less likely to encounter someone you don't know. Leave the pack behind occasionally and go solo for a spell. Great places for solo outings? Coffee shops. Meetups. Conferences / conventions. Wine / beer tastings. Dog parks (but only if you have a dog, otherwise it's just... weird.) And even the bar/lounge of your favorite restaurant or hotel. If you're bold enough, try a solo vacation (the growed-up equivalent of summer camp). Or if you're the shy type, volunteer events offer a great, low-pressure way to meet people while not being totally self-serving.
Might I suggest: United Way of Metropolitan Atlanta's Day of Action - June 21
Go With a Group
Only stalkers and serial killers are solo 100% of the time. There are definite times /places that are ideal for being with a group of friends, and also being accessible to meeting a special new friend. These include: festivals, backyard BBQs, and club meetings.
Might I Suggest: Life’s a Fish and Then You Fry - the ultimate summer fish fry complete with fireworks, waterslide and live music. I believe there will also be fish. :) - July 7
Work the Right Props.
With all the skin-showing, sweating, and crowds, how ever will you catch the eye of a potential fling? With the right summer 'prop', you can make yourself stand out and catch the eye of someone who's eye is worth catching. Some simple summer props include: a popsicle, an ice cream cone, a saucy summer hat, a cube of ice. My personal favorite summer prop, however, is the hand fan. It's not only eye-catching, it's quite practical
Might I Suggest:
Olele - handcrafted Spanish hand fans
Get Back to Nature.
Even with the right props, there can still be a lot of competition that makes snagging a summer cutie that much more difficult. One way to solve the over-crowding issue? Get away from the singles scene and answer the call of the wild.
Might I Suggest: Raft. Hike. Camp. - a weekend excursion including whitewater rafting, hiking, and camping near the GA/TN border - July 14-15.
Cast Your Line.
Yes! So you finally got that cutie to look your way and engage in some flirty banter with you. So, how do you seal the deal? Perhaps the best way is to say something along the lines of: 'I typically do (totally interesting thing I like doing) alone, but it would be really nice to have an activity partner. Could I call you the next time I'm doing (totally interesting thing I like doing)?' Or, if that doesn't suit your style, maybe one of these 'best pickup lines' from Jezebel would work.
A Final Word of Advice.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember when scouting a summer fling is to be absolutely clear and upfront about your intentions. Don't go into a fling by pretending that you're looking for something long term. And don't avoid the topic of relationships altogether. By addressing your true intentions early on, you can avoid future misunderstandings and missteps that might spoil an otherwise fabulous experience.
Once you've got your summer fling, play it cool and casual. Don't get all relationshippy. Its a fling, remember? Be adventurous, flirt like crazy, have fun, and don't completely neglect your other friends or social circles. When fall approaches, make sure you and your summer bunny start cooling things off. See him/her less. Find other things to occupy your time. But if you'd like to keep the romance going into the next season, you might simply say: 'I've really enjoyed our time this summer, got any plans for football season?'
cheers,
k
how to get sexy with food
A full frontal exploration of food and sex, including: erotic foods, sexy food scenes, and stimulating food scents.
In a recent article on this here blog, I mentioned that eating was one of the few activities that engages all 5 senses at once, and that travel was a close second.
Well Dear Reader, once again, I have something to confess. My Southern demureness (and the fact that my Mom occasionally reads this) kept me from truthfully asserting my real choice for 2nd place in the 'stimulates-all-your-senses' category... Sex.
There. I said it. Sexsexsexsexsexitysex...sex! Have you clicked away yet? Unsubscribed? Fine. Better do it now before we really pass the PG-13 zone (Yes, mom. That includes you.).
So, why the change of mind?
After reading a recent Creative Loafing article on the eroticism of food, I was emboldened by this quote from chef-cum-prophet Paul Luna:
"Sexuality and erotica play essential roles in exploration and self-discovery. These elements seem to be culturally suppressed in Atlanta and Southern culture — at least, overtly."
Well, I'll be.
Not one to be restricted by the often prudish Southern attitudes towards either food or sex, I decided to take Chef Luna's quote as a challenge to overcome my own self-repression and explore - in one fell swoop - the various facets of the food-sex connection. I hope it's as good for you as it was for me.
Erotic Foods
The most commonly cited erotic foods are usually ones that resemble certain parts of the human anatomy, such as: asparagus, bananas, figs, and pomegranates. But you already know about those, so let's indulge in a few lesser-known sensual foods.
Mole (pronounced, mole-ay) - A Mexican sauce that comes in as many varieties as there are sexual positions (well, almost). When prepared from scratch, it's a labor of love that typically combines rich chocolate with chiles and spices 
like cumin, and cinnamon. Like most new adventures in bed and out, mole might take some getting used to, but if you find it's not for you, you can always go back to more tried-and-true tastes.
Peel-and-eat crawfish - The well-known instruction to 'pinch the tail, suck the head' is sexy, albeit in a somewhat juvenile way. But hey, silly can be sexy too. Plus, any eating experiences that requires tearing at food with your hands, getting your fingers all messy and sucking your digits clean can be a real turn-on. Of course, you're not limited to crawfish. Try other peel-and-eat seafood, fresh cut fruit, Moroccan or Ethiopian food, or, for you prudish Southern-folk, barbecue.
Truffles - Truffles have an earthy, mouth-watering flavor, but they can be both hard to find and very pricey. As an alternative to whole truffles, a bit of sprinkled truffle powder or drizzled truffle oil can transform a conservative dish into something downright decadent.
Mango - This one has highly personal significance. I dated a gent once who literally made me blush at his method of consuming every fibrous piece of a whole fresh mango, all the way down to the pit. But even if your mang0-masticating skills aren't as... entertaining, the fruit itself - with its blushing exterior, brightly colored flesh, and exotic fruity flavor - is enough to titillate.
Sexy Food on Film
Like Water for Chocolate
Tampopo
The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover
Eat, Drink, Man, Woman
mptuous family feasts as a constant backdrop.
9 1/2 Weeks
Oh, and let's not forget the erotic scene from The Matrix:Reloaded in which the Merovingian delivers a sexy slice to an unsuspecting diner (extra points for both Monica Belluci's appearance and her character's name: Persephone).
Food, Sex, and Song
According to an article in Psychology Today, the link between food, sex, and music isn't circumstantial, it's scientific. Here are some sexy food-centric sounds to get you in the mood.
Ungodly Fruit - a sensual, lilting instrumental from Wax Tailor.
The Sensual Woman - Jello makes a notable appearance in this slickly sexy song from the soundtrack of Snatch (warning: some explicit language).
Sweet, Sticky Thing - a classic from the Ohio Players album 'Honey'.
Kelis' Milkshake - Yeah, I did it. So what? You need the Vitamin D.
And for a song that seems to be a song about food that's really about sex but is really about neither, D'angelo's soulful ballad 'Brown Sugar' takes the cake.
You might also want to check out my YouTube playlist: music to cook to - lots of spicy, savory, and sweet sounds for heating things up in the kitchen or any room of the house.
Food Scents that Stimulate
Some food scents are so arousing, you might even call them 'olfactory Viagra'. But these scent-ual smells don't have to be confined to the kitchen. Scented candle, oils, and scrubs are perfect ways to bring the smell of your favorite foods into the boudoir.
Coffee - Even if you don't enjoy drinking this stimulating beverage, the scent of a fresh-brewed pot or freshly ground beans is quite invigorating, even arousing. Maybe that's the reason so many first dates happen at coffee shops? Or maybe it's because coffee and sex have been inexplicably linked since the 16th century. If you really like the scent of coffee, a quick home-made body scrub of ground coffee and olive oil is an easy way to be enveloped by the aroma all day long.
Vanilla - a comforting smell whose soothing, calming effect could ostensibly make your sweetheart more open to your advances. It's also alleged to stimulate the production of the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen.
Japanese Quince - Some historians believe that the apple referred to as 'the forbidden fruit' in the Garden of Eden was actually a quince. Ancient Greek mythology associates the quince with Aphrodite, the goddess of love. While I can't tell you what a quince tastes like, I can tell you what one smells like. Well, kinda. The japanese quince scented products from Seda France
cheers, k
title photo:Food is sex by Mr. dale, on Flickr
how to make a good woman
What makes a good woman? One recipe includes 3 not-so-secret ingredients. Sugar and spice optional.
"A woman is an important somebody and sometimes you win the triple crown: good food, good sex, and good talk. Most men settle for any one, happy as a clam if they get two. But listen, let me tell you something. A good man is a good thing, but there is nothing in the world better than a good good woman. She can be your mother, your wife, your girlfriend, your sister, or somebody you work next to. Don't matter. You find one, stay there." ~from Toni Morrison's "Love"
After reading this passage from Toni Morrison's novel, "Love", I knew I'd found a morsel that would become a permanent part of my personal collection of life recipes.
The quote comes from the character, Sandler - a concerned father who is schooling his teenage son on what to look for in a woman. Fortunately, it's an easy-to-remember recipe that includes 3 very simple ingredients.
Good Food
I don't care how old-fashioned or outmoded I sound saying it, I'm going to say it anyway. If you're a woman, you should know how to cook something. I'm not suggesting that you channel Betty Crocker and prance around the kitchen all day in frilly aprons and heels making biscuits and pies from scratch (but, if that's your thing, by all means, go for it!). But every woman should have at least 3 solid dishes that she can whip up at a moment's notice. That means not having to consult a cookbook or a recipe, but being able to prepare a simple, elegant meal from memory - preferably with easy-to-find ingredients. As they say, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach". Even in non-romantic situations, being able to cook something tasty for someone you care about (whether it be your man, your mom, your kids, or your friends) is not only a useful talent, but also a satisfying and rewarding experience.
Good Sex
I suppose this one should go without saying, since we're all sexual creatures. But since everyone has different tastes and preferences, what exactly qualifies as good sex? Whether you're the swing-from-the-rafters type or more of a missionary girl, I think that at the root of it all, a woman with 'good sex' is a woman who is equally skilled at giving and receiving pleasure.
Good Talk
I've heard numerous tales from my guy friends about dates or relationships with drop-dead gorgeous girls that they found extremely attractive... until they opened their mouths. A good woman cultivates interests in things that are worth talking about. A good woman stays abreast of current events (no, not just celebrity gossip), a good woman has a bit of 'game'. A good woman knows how to give a compliment.
Recipe Notes:
Noticeably missing from this recipe for a good woman are inessential ingredients like: big boobs, long hair, thick legs, fat booty, expensive clothes, killer makeup, and similar decorative toppings.
Admittedly, a good woman who comes with one or more of these inessential ingredients will be just as fulfilling and even sweeter than the original recipe. However, a woman that possesses inessential ingredients yet lacks all of the good woman ingredients may be sweet, but won't be nearly as filling. And really... who needs empty calories?
how to find true love
Most people follow one-size-fits all patterns of love, sex, and relationships. But for the trailblazer who dares to define love for him/herself, "Being in Love" helps guide the way. Prepare for a paradigm shift!
“By the time you are ready to explore the world of love, you are filled with so much rubbish about love that there is not much hope for you to be able to find the authentic and discard the false.” ~Osho
Relationships are hard. Yes, I know that’s not exactly a groundbreaking statement. But it’s a fact. A fact that I’ve been pondering a lot lately as I witness the many stages of relationships being experienced by close friends and acquaintances.
There are those friends who are engaged or newly married, others who are separated or newly divorced, friends who are experiencing the highs and lows of dating, friends who are content playing the field, friends who are happy being alone. There’s even my own relationship, which many - especially those who know me as a hot-headed, commitment phobic, and often contrary woman - are quietly amazed has lasted as long as it has.
Though my associates and I are all experiencing different stages of relationship, we all share a common trait. None of us have a clue what we’re doing. We’re all just guessing. Rolling a dice and hoping that we don’t lose too much in the process, or crap out completely.
Truth is, most people tend to follow a pretty familiar script when it comes to relationships. Our expectations of gender roles, relationship timelines, and the ways love should be shown have been stamped onto our psyches over years of conditioning from families, movies, romance novels, r&b love songs. Most of us will never question established ideas of love and romance. Even when something deep inside of us starts to suspect that we aren’t 100% comfortable with those age-old ideas. So without any clear alternatives and with few successful real-life examples to follow, we go on trying to fit ourselves and our significant other into relationship models and behaviors that are considered normal and acceptable. On the rare occasion when one does question and decides to diverge from the “normal” path, one finds that there are no road signs, no footprints to follow, just a wide open wilderness that requires the fearless instincts of a trailblazer to navigate.
Thankfully, even trailblazers have certain tools to help them find their way.
I recently came across a book entitled “Being in Love: How to Love with Awareness and Relate Without Fear
Here are just a few snippets from Osho’s Being in Love:
What is Love
"It is almost like somebody asking, “What is food?” Would you not be surprised if somebody came and asked you that question? Only if somebody has been starved from the very beginning and has never tasted food would the question be relevant. It is the same with the question “What is love?”
Love is the food of the soul, but you have been starved. Your soul has not received love at all, so you don’t know the taste. So the question is relevant, but it is unfortunate. The body has received food so the body continues; but the soul has not received food so the soul is dead, or is not born yet, or is always on its deathbed."
Parental Love
"Just think of your own parents…. They are victims just as you are victims; their own parents were the same. And so on…you can go back to Adam and Eve and God the father! It seems that even God the father was not very respectful to Adam and Eve… he started commanding them, “Do this” and “Don’t do that.” He started doing the same rubbish that all parents do… each parent threatens to expel the child, to throw him out. “If you don’t listen, if you don’t behave, you will be thrown out.” Deep down the child starts hating the parents because he is not respected; deep down he starts feeling frustrated because he is not loved as he is. He is expected to do certain things, and only then will he be loved.
And children learn the ways of their parents—their nagging, their conflict. Just go on watching yourself. If you are a woman, watch—you may be repeating, almost identically, the ways your mother used to behave…. If you are a man, watch: What are you doing? Are you not behaving just like your father? Watch and see when your mother is there, functioning through you—stop that, move away from it. Do something absolutely new that your mother could not even have imagined."
The Perfect Man or Woman
"That idea too has been put into your mind—that unless you find a perfect man or a perfect woman you will not be happy…. A loving person simply loves, just as an alive person breathes and drinks and eats and sleeps…. You don’t say, “Unless there is perfect air, unpolluted, I am not going to breathe.” You go on breathing even in Los Angeles; you go on breathing in Mumbai. You go on breathing everywhere, even when the air is polluted, poisoned.... People who demand perfection are very unloving people, neurotic. Even if they can find a lover they demand perfection, and the love is destroyed because of that demand."
"Love ordinary people. Nothing is wrong with ordinary people. Ordinary people are extraordinary! Each human being is so unique; have respect for that uniqueness."
Gender Roles in Relationships
“Watch people, see how they take each other for granted. If your wife prepares food for you, you never thank her. I’m not saying that you have to verbalize your thanks, but it should be in your eyes. But you… take it for granted—that is her work. Who told you that? If your husband goes and earns money, you never thank him. You don’t feel any gratitude. “That’s what a man should do.” That’s your mind. How can love grow?”
“At home, the woman is a wife and the man is a husband. Now when these two persons meet there are really four persons: the husband and wife, who are not real persons but just personas, masks, false patterns, expected behavior, duties, and all that, and the real persons hiding behind the masks.
Those real persons feel bored.”
Give and Take in Relationships
"People are more interested in how to grab and get. Everybody is interested in getting and nobody seems to enjoy giving. People give very reluctantly… they always go on watching to make sure they get more than they give—then it is a good bargain, good business. And the other is doing the same.
Give, and don’t wait to see how much you can grab…. In the beginning it will be hard, because your whole life you have been trained not to give but to get. In the beginning you will have to fight with your own armor…. In the beginning it will be difficult, but each step will lead to a further step, and by and by the river starts flowing."
Being Alone versus Being Lonely
"There are two types of love. One is the love that happens when you are feeling lonely: as a need, you go to the other. The other love arises when you are not feeling lonely, but alone. In the first case you go to get something; in the second case you go to give something. A giver is an emperor."
Sex
"Most people’s sexual life is nothing but a kind of relief. Yes, for a moment you feel relieved of a burden, just like a good sneeze. How good it feels afterwards! But for how long? How long can you feel good after a sneeze? How many seconds, how many minutes can you brag that “I had such a sneeze, it was great.” As the sneeze is gone, with it goes all the joy, too. It was simply something bothering you. You are finished with that botheration, now there is a little relaxation. That’s the sexual life of most of the people in the world.
For afterplay to happen it needs a romantic mind, a poetic mind, a mind that knows how to be thankful, how to be grateful. The person, the woman or the man who has brought you to such a climax, needs some gratitude: afterplay is your gratitude. And unless there is afterplay it simply means your sex is incomplete; and incomplete sex is the cause of all the troubles that a human being goes through."
No matter what stage of relationship you're in - whether you're starting one, or ending one, or you happen to be alone - Being in Love will give you fresh perspective on what it means to make the most out of every relationship and blaze your own trail to true love.
cheers, k photo "Fall in Love ... not in line" by Martinho, on Flickr
mistress didi - crusader of classic fetish
**Disclaimer: some of the links and topics contained in this post are of an adult nature. If you find such information objectionable, go watch a cartoon. :)**
Bondage, BDSM, fetish, kink. When you hear those terms, images of whips, chains, leather, and latex may immediately come to mind. Less innocuous terms like freak, pervert, or deviant, are often used to describe the participants in the bondage and fetish scenes. Many people are confounded, some are intrigued (even those who won’t admit it), and others are downright repulsed by the set of behaviors classified as modern fetish. But there is at least one woman who is dedicated to preserving fetish and BDSM as an art, not only for the beauty of it, but for its therapeutic benefits as well.
Her name? Mistress Didi. Had it not been for the annual Hedonism art show at Apache I attended a few months back, our paths might never have crossed. After the show, which featured live performances and installations by several local erotic artists, I had questions. Who were these artists and performers? Did they have day jobs? What path leads one to take the stage or pick up a paintbrush as an erotic artist? I set out to find answers, and when I came across Mistress Didi, I felt that I’d found a reliable source for them. Instead of the usual graphic and provocative imagery on other fetish websites, Mistress Didi’s site provides page after page of information that is an unlikely blend of spiritual philosophy, basic manners and etiquette, and of course, fetish culture. Her emphasis on quality and artisanship in the culture has led her to coin the term classic fetish, of which she is a very vocal proponent.
After a few online exchanges, Mistress Didi - a petite little firebrand with a demeanor befitting a Mistress - agreed to let me interview her so she could explain more about the spiritual, therapeutic, and artistic aspects of classic fetish.
What do you think is the biggest misconception about fetish? That it’s not consensual and that it’s a psychological deviation. In the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition) fetish is literally classified as an abnormality.
That’s sort of ironic, since you consider fetish to be therapeutic. Can you speak about how you’ve added a therapeutic aspect to fetish? What sort of challenges or blocks do you feel fetish can help people overcome? You make decisions about who you are in your life. You have to like who you are. So many times, we choose things based upon others telling us that we will be accepted or like based on their criteria. People are massively mind controlled by religion, the media… but it’s about being responsible for your actions, and living life to enjoy it. I have my philosophy of spiritual hedonism which is my religion that I invented. I figured, hey, if L. Ron Hubbard can invent one then I can too! And mine is a helluva lot more fun than his! (laughs) But my thing is about being responsible for your actions. Whatever you choose to do, be responsible for that 100%, live life to enjoy it and spread that joy. Party on!
Hey, what else is there, right? What if? That’s my motivation. What if? What if the world does end in 2012? What if something falls out of the sky on top of my head? What if this is my last inhale? When I die, I don’t want to go, “Oh hell, that sucked”. I wanna be able to say, “Alright, that was pretty cool!” I recognize that I am a sadist by nature, but I also know that as a Libra, I go to extremes. Like all my charitable work, all my healing work in my vanilla life is one end of the spectrum. And then my expertise in the sadistic arts is the other end of the spectrum. However, as I was saying to you earlier about responsibility… I’m not one of these people that has some kind of egomania going on and is picking up a whip and just flailing it ridiculously. I studied with qualified practitioners and experts in their particular genres, and I know what I’m doing. Plus I have an extensive knowledge of human physiology and human psychology and I’m always enhancing my education. I owe that not only to myself, but to the fetish community. Because if you’re gonna go out there and call yourself a dominant, then you need to be in control of your reality, your own personal space, your own domain.
That’s quite powerful. But you can take that outside of the fetish world. The thing is that we are taught to react rather than respond. Reaction is irrational and it’s designed so we can take the focus off of our responsibility. When you respond, that requires conscious choice and a decision that you make that you can live with yourself.
So how do you respond to the mainstream’s misconceptions about fetish?
What I’ve decided to do is create better fetish. What they call fetish now are these screaming, screeching parties. At these little screeching parties with all these kids who think they’re gonna tell ME about domming… what they don’t know is that I’m old enough to be their mother, I just look better than they do. And there’s a reason for that too. Their whole concept of S&M is stand and pose. They like getting dressed up – god knows I do – but that is not the end of it all. They have no etiquette, they have no manners. Some people think fetish is kink. Fetish is not just kink. Fetish is not just about sexuality.
There’s a more ancient, historical aspect to the term, right? If you look at the word fetish in the dictionary, you will see that. In indigenous cultures, these people took a physical thing that embodied the representation of how you were working spiritual energy and how you were focusing that. How u connect with the higher God energy to manifest things in your life.
Fetish (definition) - A fetish (from the French fétiche; which comes from the Portuguese feitiço; "artificial" and the Latine facere, "to make") is an object believed to have supernatural powers, or in particular, a man-made object that has power over others.
French philosopher Michel Leiris simplifies the original definition as, an ‘objectified form of our desire’.
Another misconception about fetish. People think that you go to one of these parties and someone is gonna beat you. No, no, no! If that happens, you need to complain to somebody and have the offender thrown the hell out. Because the creed is safe, sane, and consensual. I see all kinds of abominable things happening at these parties and that’s why I don’t go. I have my own parties and with the exception of the one on June 4, they’re all private. And because that behavior is fostered and allowed to breed like a cancer in our community, that’s why I wrote, “How to Properly Present Yourself to a Mistress” and offer it as a free book.
You mention on your site that your book is also useful for people who aren’t necessarily into fetish? Absolutely. I tell people to use this for their kids. Because all that it is is common courtesy and social graces. Now, if we taught our children in kindergarten 2 things. Body awareness so that they would be able to do a check-in internally, do some deep breathing or other techniques instead of fidgeting because they’re uncomfortable. And if we taught kids that it’s ok to acknowledge that I’m angry or I don’t like that. Acknowledge that and realize what else you can do with that. You don’t always have to be… well, for lack of a better word, you don’t always have to be a d*&k! You can choose to take the high road even when others are being low-lives. That’s one of the things I teach in Domina 101.
Is that what separates classic fetish – the protocols, the courtesies, and the rituals? My brand of classic fetish goes even beyond that. I call it classic fetish because we’re taking it towards the highest beauty. Have you ever seen a pair of shoes that takes your breath away and it’s a magical moment? I grew up in the fetish scene, so what it’s deteriorating today is disgusting and its deteriorating because there’s these little hoochies working in a dungeon and they think they can put the word Mistress in front of their name and that puts them in the same category as someone like me.
First of all, they’re not really dommes. They are subbing to some idiot guy with a pimp mentality. That’s why I call them ‘hoochies with whips’. The reason that we even have the distinction of classic fetish is because people have decided to abuse something that was beautiful.
How would you suggest dominants or aspiring dommes who don’t just want to be ‘hoochies with whips’ educate themselves? What about vanilla people who want to begin exploring fetish? For aspiring dommes, there are tons of seasoned dommes out there to learn from and there are organizations like TES (The Eulenspiegel Society). They should also check out my articles: The Importance of Rituals and Protocols, and Domme vs. Dumme. For newcomers to the scene, there is a website called The BDSM Resource Center. It’s a really good resource for fetish or I should say BDSM education. Fetish includes lifestyle stuff like people who just enjoy certain articles of clothing. BDSM is bondage, domination, sadomasochism – it is an actual physical expression. It’s a very physical thing.
Are there certain tools and techniques that every fetishist should have in his or her toolkit? Yes! Have a basic knowledge of First Aid. Become CPR certified, definitely own a First Aid kit. Know how to handle burns, cuts. Have safety rules. And always play with a phone nearby, in case of emergencies. I think everyone should go to a safe party - where you can actually talk to people whose lifestyles are a part of this culture. And these people are a much higher caliber versus going to a loud disco where the music is so loud you can’t hear anything. When I see people playing in these clubs where the music is so loud… that to me is very irresponsible, because you can’t see the danger signs.
As an African-American in the fetish / BDSM community, are you something of a unicorn? Do you find that there are any racial divides or misunderstandings within the fetish community? There’s a huge black culture in the whole BDSM thing. People give folks - especially those who are into being slaves or submissives a lot of flack for that. Like, given our history, how could you want to be a slave? But they don’t understand that this is a completely different concept from the slavery that we understand as a part of African-American history. That was completely non-consensual.
Talk about some of the classes you offer? Which is your most popular?
Transcendent trampling. Because when I trample it’s a sight to see. That’s my own specific technique. When I teach 
that, first I start out with a basic anatomy course. Which muscles can take weight bearing, where are the places that you should never apply pressure. Where is the carotid artery... don’t lean on that! (laughs) because I was a dancer for years, when I trample, it’s a work of art.
I seem to get a lot of response for Max Wax, my waxplay course. Now the vanilla women are really funny. They want to know all of this stuff, but if it’s not presented to them in a way that they feel they won’t be judged, then they can’t get with the program. So I have a course that I call Role Play 101 – and it’s really just a basic introduction on how to spice up your sex life with your honey.
Where would you like to see fetish go? Ten years from now, do you think you’ll still be involved in fetish? Oh, absolutely. This is a part of who I am. I think folks think it’s something you do on the weekends. This is part of who I am, not just how I am. Most people don’t realize that who they are can be quite lovely… how they are is quite wretched.
To be a dominant means you choose how things are for your comfort and your ultimate well-being in your life. People don’t like that. They think it means you put on 8-inch heels and walk around with your butt hanging out, but I only do that on special occasions and only for special people. And no I DO NOT have sex with my playmates. This is not a sexual thing for me. This is a connection between two people on a level that is spiritual, physical, emotional, mental and is totally transcendent. And because I have that experience on a regular basis, I see how many people are not having it, and that’s what's missing from what is considered fetish in the mainstream today.
It’s not necessarily for everyone else. But I say, don’t knock it until you try it. There are things that you’ll discover that you don’t like, and you just have to understand that that’s what YOU don’t like. Just try not to judge what other people do like. And there’s some nasty stuff out there – very unhealthy stuff. I don’t understand how folks get into it. But I try not to judge it, I just make my choices not to indulge with them.
At this point in our talk, Mistress Didi’s dog, who she calls Li’l Doggie enters and asks for a treat. She shares that Li’l Doggie – who she got from an animal rescue - doesn’t have much longer to live. She moves on to tell me about another dog that she rescued previously that had been abused.
I took him, in a short amount of time, from being in a place of extreme fear to being able to sit on strangers’ laps. And that, to me, is dominance. Because I created an environment for him to become as beautiful as he could be, and to love life as much as he could. And that is what BDSM is for me. That’s what I believe the goal of being a dominant is. You don’t just have someone in your life because you can. It should be a mutual evolutionary process.
We move on to talk about other things like: her future plans to open a private fetish club in NYC (contact her if you're interested in investing), RuPaul's Drag Race (she's a fan), and the fact that she feels this season's RPDR winner - Tyra Sanchez - is a good role model for his son.
I'd love to meet her. Tyra accepts who Tyra is. Tyra says to the world, this is how I express myself and how I love living.
How dare someone tell me how we should love. Look what their way of loving got the world.
For more information about Mistress Didi and her brand of classic fetish, check out her website, her blog, or follow her on Twitter.
cheers,
k
v-day poll results and some unconventional v-day events in atlanta
A couple of weeks ago, I polled guys and ladies separately on what sort of gift you'd like most for Valentine's Day. Well, the results are in!
While they weren't all that surprising - women overwhelmingly prefer 'experience gifts' to stuff like flowers and candy (wait, you guys did know that already right?), and men didn't really have a preference - what was surprising is that more women than men responded that they thought Valentine's Day was for suckas, and 10% of the ladies who responded said that they just wanted 'to be left alone'. C'mon girlfriends, it can't be that bad out there... can it?
Whether you're single or seeing someone, here are my picks for some unconventional ways to spend this Valentine's Day in Atlanta.
Witness the Black Man-o-logues - This play by DreamCatcher Productions at the 14th Street Playhouse answers the question, "What runs through the head of a black man when he is confronted with the subject Love?" Shows Saturday and Sunday. For more info: http://www.catchingdreamz.com/
Take a Trip to Jeju Sauna - A spa retreat like you've never experienced before. Just a short trip to Duluth, and you can lose yourself in another world for a whole day. Check out my review of Jeju Sauna on Trazzler.
Celebrate Valloween - A combination Halloween costume party with the sexiness of Valentine's Day for both singles and couples. Because there's "nothing better than playing dress-up to make a depressing holiday more palatable." For more info: http://professionalmuse.net/
Hey Love: Bilal, Foreign Exchange, Jesse Boykins III - Sexy soulfulness takes Center Stage on Friday. Bring your boo or plan on finding one when you get there. Tickets at Mood's Music in Little Five Points and Ticketmaster
Bloom at Lenox Mall - Lauri Stallings, the choreographer behind the 2008 genre-blending production big, that thrust ballet dancers onto the stage with Atlanta's own Big Boi, will be taking dance to another platform this weekend at Lenox Mall. Bloom, the 3rd site-specific art installation from Atlanta-based gloATL, will feature dancers interacting with shoppers in the arteries of the mall. Spoken word artist Big Rube will also perform. It's sure to be a sight! For more info: http://www.fluxprojects.org/bloom/index.html
V-Day Mixology Massacre - If Valentine's day makes you want to kill something... why not make it a cocktail? The Mixology Meetup group is hosting this event at Room at Twelve on W. Peachtree. You'll learn how to make 3 V-day inspired cocktails at your own bar station. Then you can immediately drown yourself in them. For more info: http://www.meetup.com/Mixology-Atlanta/
Make Sweet Chocolate Love at Cacao - If cocktails ain't your thing, how 'bout some chocolate? Make your own chocolate treats and package them up for yourself or a loved one. Might I suggest: chocolate salty balls. Cacao Atlanta in Va-Hi hosts. For more info: http://www.cacaoatlanta.com/events
To El with Valentine's Day - El Taco says, 'be glad you're single", and invites you to celebrate your solo-ness with drink specials (like $4 Hornitos Mischieve tequila shots), special prizes from the Wheel of Taco, and an in-house photo booth and tarot reader on Sunday. Get all the details here.
cheers,
k
photo credit: Sister72
QUICK POLL: what do you want most for valentine's day?
I'm doing some research for a future post, Dear Reader, and I could really use your input.
Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and from my experience, it's a holiday that seems to cause more angst than any other. There's the increased pressure of what to get your beloved, and the heightened expectation of what you'll receive. Then there are those who relish the once-a-year opportunity to vocally denounce love, the commercialization of love, and the love of commercialization. And finally there's that lonely lot - that each year we all secretly hope we're not a member of - of unattached, uninvolved folk who feel compelled to treat V-day as a national day of mourning.
So I thought it'd be interesting to get a pulse on what kind of things people actually want for V-day. I've created two polls - one for the ladies, and one for the gents. When you get a moment, give me your thoughts. I'll share the answers with you before V-day.
Here's the poll for ladies:
alternate link: http://poll.pollcode.com/A8N
And here's one for the guys...
| GUYS: What Kind of V-Day Gift Would You Prefer This Year? | |
| A store-bought gift (e.g., cologne, clothing) | |
| An experience gift (e.g., travel, spa) | |
| A sexual gift | |
| I want to be left alone | |
| What gift? V-day is for suckas! | |
| pollcode.com free polls | |
alternate link: http://poll.pollcode.com/CrYq
cheers,
k
what men aren't telling women
think men are as hard to figure out as women are? nigerian author chris nabani shares some telling insights.
Cruising the web today and came across the following insightful essay on Zena's site that she reposted from the July issue of O, the Oprah Magazine. The essay was written by Chris Abani - an award-winning author / poet from Nigeria. It's probably one of the more thoughtful, revealing and well-phrased 'confessions' about how men think and view themselves in the context of a relationship...which is why I thought I'd share it with you.
Ladies: take note. Gents: any comments?
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That women are mysterious and unknowable is something every young man grows up believing. Men, on the other hand, never think of themselves as mysterious or confusing, and we are often at a loss as to why women want to figure us out. But since you asked:
When you say we don't really talk to you or reveal ourselves to you, we wish you knew just how much we have had to suppress about our desires, pains, fears, and vulnerability over the years to conform to the script of masculinity that we are given. Sometimes we don't open up because we are afraid of what we will find. We are also afraid that if you see who we really are, in all our flawed humanity (and not the flaws that annoy you, like being untidy or driving fast), you won't like us.
Men do communicate, often very directly, but women sometimes cannot accept how simple what we have to say is. We seldom play games—we aren't that sophisticated. If we don't call you for a couple of days after a date, it is because either we are afraid you will think we are stalkers (and we will call on day three) or we aren't into you. That's all there is.
We are as nervous as you are about sex; I don't care what you've heard. Your anatomy is a mystery that nobody bothers explaining to us. Even when we think we have mastered one woman's body, every body is different. We feel inadequate if we can't satisfy you in bed, and since no one has told us what to do with feelings of inadequacy, we project them onto you. Sad but true.
We are very insecure about how we look and what you really think about us, and we are excited when you do small, nice things for us like make coffee or come with us to the barber or just buy us a good book. We've been trained never to show this side to you, but it is there.
We are not subtle creatures. You might think that when you play with your hair in our presence, we know that means you like us. We don't know for sure. Men who do are bad men (sorry, guys!). And anything you've been told about playing hard to get is wrong.
We crave cuddling and hand-holding, maybe even more than you do.
We are desperate to please you because we know you are far sexier and more beautiful than you will ever admit to yourself, and we're confused (but extremely happy) as to why you like us.
Here's the thing: You rescue us every day in small, quiet ways, so why not in this way? Let us into your mystery, tell us how you would like to be loved, show us how to see you, really see you.
cheers,
k