how to lose like a winner

A couple of weekends ago, I got invited to watch a friend’s daughter compete in the National American Miss pageant. I’ve known this young lady since she was a toddler, and over the years I’ve watched her blossom into an awesome little woman. She’s bright, energetic, savvy, and beautiful to boot. You know, one of those kids that makes you feel confident about what the next generation will be able to do with their infinite potential. So I was thrilled to join her parents in the audience to hoot and holler like a madwoman whenever she appeared on the stage.

That night, we watched all the contestants do their opening numbers and have their individual moments in the spotlight. We also watched watch as girl after girl got picked for various and sundry titles – Miss Congeniality, Most Likely to be a Top Model, Most Likely to End Up as a Trophy Wife and Get One Helluva Divorce Settlement when the Dog of a Husband Gets Caught Cheating (or something like that).

Even with all her charm, poise, and intelligence, our girl didn’t get a single trophy or accolade, and she didn’t even get to move on to the next round of competition. Needless to say, we were crushed. She, of course, was even more crushed. After she’d changed back into her street clothes, she joined us to head to the car. She held up pretty well for a few moments, then the tears came. “It isn’t fair,” she cried. “They weren’t as good as me!” she protested. And we agreed, clucking over her and consoling her like dutiful supporters. There wasn’t any use in trying to rationalize the outcome of the pageant to her. Even if there had been a rational explanation, it likely wouldn’t have made a dent on her emotional state. So, I thought that the words her mother offered her were the best that could be said at that moment. She simply told her daughter, “Baby, it wasn’t your time.”

No doubt, losing sucks. Hard. Especially when it’s something you’ve worked hard to get, or something you feel like you’re naturally more qualified to have. So when you don’t land that job, or you get passed over by that girl or guy you had your heart set on, or someone else snags that grand opportunity that you know was meant for you, it makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs, “It’s not fair! They weren’t as good as me!” It’s irritating as hell to see the lesser-qualified get your moment in the spotlight, with the crowd cheering and the fair maiden planting a wreath of laurel leaves on their unworthy head. When it happens more than once, you may stop screaming outwardly and start whispering inwardly to yourself: “Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe I don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe no one will ever want me.” Even the most confident and self-assured person has their moments of uncertainty when met with a consistent stream of losses.

I thought back to one of the girls in the pageant who had advanced to the next round that evening. It was her fifth year in the competition, and she’d never made it beyond the first round before. Yet she kept showing up every year. Kept donning the glitzy gown, kept flashing the perfect camera-ready smile, and kept being sent home with nothing to show for her efforts. I wondered what she must have felt like after two years of not winning. After year three? I wondered how she even mustered up the energy and optimism it took to come back for one more chance at winning, though she was a repeat loser. By the colloquial definition, this girl was insane. She kept doing the same thing and expecting a different result. But eventually, after five long years, she did get a different result.

So how exactly do you distinguish the insane person from the winner-to-be?

"Sometimes losing is a wake-up call in disguise, a universal conspiracy that’s letting you know that you’re chasing the wrong dream..."

Winners recognize that there may not be any logic to the fact that they lost, but they take the loss as an opportunity for assessment.  A time to prepare themselves for the win that will inevitably come. After a loss, winners ask themselves the following questions:

AM I LOSING BECAUSE I’M PLAYING THE WRONG GAME?

If you’re going after something that doesn’t align with your purpose or your true values, why would you want to win? Sometimes losing is a wake-up call in disguise, a universal conspiracy that’s letting you know that you’re chasing the wrong dream, and you need to set your eyes on a different, more fitting prize. If you feel certain that what you’re after does align with your purpose, it’s much easier to deal with temporary losses on the way to your goal.

AM I LOSING BECAUSE I'M NOT YET PREPARED TO WIN?

and the winner is

If you were to get that job, land that cutie pie, or be granted that opportunity, are you currently prepared to make the most of it? Do you have the skills to maintain the thing you’ve won after you’ve won it? You’ve heard the stories of lottery winners who are penniless only a few years after their big win, because they had no money management skills. It’s almost impossible to believe, but it happens all the time – and not just with the lottery. Winners take time after a loss to continue to hone their skills. They visualize what they’ll need to do after the win to make sure they’re ready to perform when it happens. Winners know that a gift given to the ill-prepared can easily become a curse.

AM I LOSING BECAUSE IT JUST ISN’T MY TIME?

So you know for sure that you’re after the right thing. And you know that you’re well-prepared to maintain that thing after you’ve won it. So what gives? Why do you keep losing? Well baby, maybe it just isn’t your time. While you’re fuming about how unfair it all is, maybe there’s someone else out there who had just as much right to the ‘big win’ as you did. They may have waited longer or worked harder, or maybe it was simply ‘their time’. Maybe you’re like that year-five winner, and you’ll have to lose many times before you win. Just remember to re-assess, re-equip, and reapply yourself… even if everyone else thinks you’re insane.

As it turns out, our girl made it through the pageant ordeal without too much emotional or ego damage. After a post-pageant dinner out, she was mostly back to normal. The following week, she got an unexpected phone call. It came from a talent scout who’d seen her at the pageant and wanted to know if she was available for other opportunities.

So let that be a lesson to all you losers out there. The next time you lose, go ahead and have a good cry, check to make sure the makeup is still ok, then treat yourself to something tasty.

And know this… your day is coming. Maybe even sooner than you think.

cheers,

k

Beware the 1SFA: The Trap of One-Size-Fits-All

Alright, kids. Here’s a little analogy that explains what I think of as,

‘The 2 Basic Approaches to Living Life’.

Imagine life starts out in a large department store. It’s big and brightly lit with rows and rows of fully stocked racks of the exact same garment. Made of the exact same material. In the exact same size. In the exact same color. There are large posters of attractive models wearing the one-size-fits-all garment hanging all around the store. If you choose one of these garments, you’ll also get a lifetime membership to a 1SFA club that gives you access to an array of perks & benefits, as long as you’re wearing your 1sFA garment.

There’s also a section off to the side of the store. In this section, are several tables full of well-preserved but previously-owned items heaped into piles. Some of the items are rack, many are designer. It’s a mixed bag. You can choose as many of these items as you like for one price, and you’ll also be given sewing materials for customizing or tailoring them.

Each of us has a choice… will we select the one-size-fits-all-garment or put something together from the pile of used clothes?

Approach #1 - One-Size-Fits-All, aka, 1SFA

get lifetime membership with your purchase

Join the club. Get perks, benefits & premium access.

The first, and by far, the most popular option is the 1SFA (pronounced: ‘once-fuh’). For many, the 1SFA just happens to fit them perfectly. They are the right size and shape for the garment to look on them like it does on the attractive models in the store. The color agrees with them, and the material feels just right.

For many others, it’s simply the easier option. There’s plenty available, I can just go and grab one and be on my way. Plus, if the models look great in them, I’m sure I will too. Besides, everyone else looks like they’re choosing these. I don’t want to be the only weirdo wearing something different. And… used clothes? Ugh. I could never. I don’t care how designer they are. I want to be the first and only to wear the garment that everyone else is wearing. That free lifetime membership deal is definitely for me. I like perks!

Approach #2 - Create Your Own Look

everything must go

Designer closeouts. Gently-used. All sales final.

This option is less popular primarily because it’s less attractive. A pile of used clothes isn’t much of a match against brightly lit, well-organized racks of clothes with hot models wearing them. So why would anyone choose this option at all? The short answer: because they have to. Perhaps they’re deathly allergic to the 1SFA garment’s material. Maybe they’re just too big to even try to fit into a single-sized garment. Maybe they tried the 1SFA for a while and realized they didn’t like it or that they wanted to try the other approach for a while before making a final decision. Maybe none of the attractive models looked like them. Maybe the perks weren’t perkin’ enough. Any number of reasons could compel someone to opt out of the 1SFA option. And opting out really wouldn’t be that much of a problem if….

The Twist

it’s what everyone who’s anyone is wearing

The New 1SFA Collection

Now available everywhere

Let’s say that the store owner earns way more profit off of the 1SFA outfits than the used ones. The 1SFA garments sell at a pretty high price and they are always in high demand. Since there’s more money to be made, the store owner promotes the 1SFA garments more, maybe even suggesting that 1SFA-wearers are better than the bespoke crowd.

The idea takes hold, then takes form. Some 1SFA-wearers believe that there’s probably something wrong with the bespoke crowd - it’s their fault they’re so big. And if all of us 1SFAs aren’t allergic to the material and we’re perfectly normal, than the allergic must be dysfunctional or disturbed. Those who used to wear 1SFA? Oh, they’re just confused or off the path. We have ways of converting them back.

Now, the bespoke crowd have a problem.

If they continue to wear their self-created looks, they may become targets. Of shame, ridicule, discrimination, violence. The price of the bespoke garment just got a lot higher. Even if they are allergic, even if they’re too big, would it not be less risky to just fit in to the 1SFA garment? ‘Maybe I can just wear the 1SFA in public,’ they reason. ‘I can wear whatever I want behind closed doors.’ For some, it’s a compromise worth making. For others, not so much.

Out of all this confusion around size and style and structure of garment, come all sorts of mis-fits and allergic reactions like:

• imposter syndrome

• masking

• identity crisis

• negative self talk

Those for whom the 1SFA doesn’t naturally fit will have to contend with one or all of these regardless of if they choose to fit in or not. This is the case for many so-called marginalized people - the indigenous, the queer, the neurodivergent, the immigrant… anyone who is made to feel like an ‘outsider’ or ‘other’.

For them, the double-sided trap of the 1SFA is this:

Either force yourself into a garment that doesn’t fit or change yourself to fit the garment.

This typically means a literal or figurative modification or ‘cutting off’ of things that are essential to the shape and size of you, including your:

• language

• name

• hair

• clothing

• behavior

• practices of cultural significance

The often-missed irony in this choice is that in doing so, it can become more difficult for you to stand out when you want to. In short, when you fall into the 1SFA trap, you may lose your most strategic advantage.

poor little mermaid

now in theaters

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Subscribe to my YouTube Channel to learn how to use your story as your strategic advantage.

5 things you should know before taking a big leap in life

If you’re preparing to take a big leap in your life or career, here are a few mindful tips to help you get your head right for the adventure ahead.

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The trick for dealing with change?

Embracing what it can teach you. This, of course, is easier than it sounds. Fear and doubt always seem to show up whenever you’re thinking of making a major life change. An endless loop of worries and worst-case scenarios play in your mind. This ‘monkey mind’ loop can keep you chasing your own thoughts down a spiral of anxiety, and ultimately, inaction. more>

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Telling your own story is an essential life skill.

When you define yourself for yourself and become the writer of your own story, life’s major changes, setbacks or shifts become one-of-a-kind opportunities for you to evolve from victim to hero. more>

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Taking a big leap involves risk.

A risk of failure, of looking silly, of hurting yourself. Big leaps involve stepping out into the unknown. Going off the one-size-fits-all plan. They require you to trust yourself more than you ever have. They are an exercise in faith. more>

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Personal mastery is the reward for overcoming fear…

…shifting your mindset from ‘one-size-fits-all’ and taking worthwhile risks.

It all starts with the small, everyday habits and behaviors you practice BEFORE you take a big leap, make a major life change or face an unexpected life challenge. Until you ‘get your mind right’, your potential for growth and self-mastery will be limited. more>

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Your work and relationships are a reflection of what you think of yourself.

As you evolve, the way you relate to your job and to the people in your life - family, friends, significant other - will evolve too. At some point, you may feel the need to graduate. This can be a literal leaving behind or a ‘leveling up’ of the way you engage and the effort and energy you give to these experiences.

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IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR FUTURE

CHANGE YOUR STORY.

Write your next chapter with a story-based strategic framework that evolves as you do.

the trick for dealing with change

Easter in quarantine

Of the Christian holidays, Easter is my favorite.

Not only is it the most Christian - I mean the entire point of jesus being a big deal is the whole crucifixion and resurrection bit, right? - it is also the most pagan. Or at least the most syncretized. 

At Easter, the themes of betrayal, sacrifice, death and rebirth play out in the foreground, while in the background, the Passover theme of being spared from plague and death by dutiful sacrifice underscores the mood and meaning of this time. Encompassing all of this is nature’s cycle of life-death-life that Spring reminds us of.... what has been silent and dark and dormant for months, is now returning to light and life. 

From the Easter-Passover legends and rituals we extract the archetypal understanding that the sacrifice of a seemingly small, but not completely insignificant thing is often required for broader salvation, for the entire community to continue its existence. The Paschal lamb is a recurring symbol that embodies this notion of a demonstrable price that must be paid so that death knows it can claim nothing from those who have paid it. 

It’s an odd Easter this year. Any other time, i would have already had my menu planned, my part-pagan, part-christian themed decor set up, the backyard trimmed and pretty, and a smattering of close friends with open invites to stop by as the spirit moves them. None of that will be going down this Sunday. Well, maybe not none of it. I still plan to make a nice spring-like meal for myself, but, given the current ‘plague’, the celebration will be a solitary one. I’ve got big plans to play in the dirt today, to participate in the life-bringing that the season calls for by planting new things around my backyard. There will certainly be music and plenty of light as Spring is already showing off here in Atlanta. And there will undoubtedly be sacrifice. The sacrifice of remaining in place, of giving up a little bit of my normal to help ensure that the entire community can continue its existence. It’s a small, but not insignificant price. 

The religious season reminds me that this time is holy because it highlights a universal truth that extends beyond religion or denomination: death and life are 2 sides of the same coin. In celebrating one, we celebrate the other. And through our sacrifice, we ensure that life will continue for all of us... even as it transforms us and beckons us to continue our individual and collective evolution. 

Happy Easter, chirren. 🙂

The Gift of the Magi - Attention Must Be Paid in 2020

So it’s officially the end of the Christmas season. Time to pull down the decorations, turn off the twinkling lights and live with the newfound knowledge that the spirit of God made flesh is among us and within us.

I particularly enjoy the mythology and meaning of the feast of the Epiphany, the story of the three wise kings – those men of ancient science and religion, in a time when there was little difference between the two – who saw an astrological sign that not only made them sit up and take notice, but also take action. To travel from their faraway homes to a place where they knew something significant had happened, and to make sure that they didn’t show up empty handed. To me, this story says a lot. It says that even though a thing may already be present, until it is acknowledged and honored… it doesn’t really mean anything to anyone other than those who brought it to life.

Something about that theme seems to be in line with the energy of this new year. I feel it within myself and I see it among those I’m closest to. There has been much labor, much uncertainty, much work going on over the past 12 months – most of it very personal. There have also been some serious assignments given out – tough things. Things we were not ready to accept, but had to, because the assignment itself was the readying. We were called upon to mature, to become, to fulfill the promise of the generations that came before us, to be the vessel for something new. There was little time to lament, to cry out to the universe, ‘whyyyy meeee!!?’ When God says go up to that mountain and sacrifice your son, when he says you’re pregnant and single, but I need you to have this kid, you don’t say, ‘why me’, you say, ‘ready!’

But that part is well behind us now, and the new thing is in its infancy. Through our struggle, we have brought it into being. And now… it’s time for that thing to be acknowledged and honored. Your job, of course, is not to seek out honor and acknowledgement, but to nurture this new thing, this new you. To make your star shine so fuckin’ bright that them what’s got good sense can’t help but sit up and take notice of it. It may be some time yet before the rest of the world catches on to your magic, but that matters little.

So shine, my darlings. And let those who have eyes to see bask in your glory. Just don’t get too caught up in the temptations of fame.

Because we have much yet to do.