singing away your worries
The spirit-healing science of singing to yourself. Aka, how I got over a series of sh*tty events.
In the past week, I...
Had a complete stranger invite himself into my yard and almost onto my porch because he, “liked what he saw.”
Got news that I will likely have to move out of my house to have some major repair work done that I’m still in an entanglement with the insurance company about
Buried the eldest living member of the Solomon clan
Had a deep talk with my mother in which we retraced the legacy of physical and emotional abuse through our family tree.
As a result, I’ve felt for much of the week like I’ve been walking around with a gaping hole in my chest. A wound that won’t close because it keeps getting abraded, keeps getting re-injured.
I’ve been singing quite a bit lately. Not songs, but the words of shock and pain and frustration that I have when these wounding experiences happen. I improvise a ditty on the spot to express what I feel. What I see. What is happening inside. It alchemizes the pain of the moment. It makes magic out of levity. It banishes the dark spirits looming near, hoping to slip into me through my open wound, my unhealed places. I sing into my wounds, blocking their entry, coaxing the hurt out of hidden places with ‘la, la, la’ and silly lyrics that often leave me laughing at the end of the nonsense song.
And I am a terrible singer.
But here she is. Not only alive. But thriving. Last year when the single bloom she arrived with fell off, I was worried. Would it ever come back? How I could i tell if she was healthy? There were just these big leaves at the base, and some weird looking roots. I mostly just gave her the recommended amount of weekly water, a lovely spot in front of a sunny window, a few words of inspiration and encouragement here and there and... well... look at her. She’s stunning!
This week I also sang a song to the last of the 6 flowers that finally bloomed on the orchid a friend gave me as a housewarming gift last year.
“This plant is doomed,” I thought when she arrived. I have little talent for keeping houseplants alive... and an orchid? The notoriously fickle flower? Tuh.
What Science Says About the Healing Power of Singing
“There is no delete button in the
nervous system,”
By telling yourself not to think about something, says Steven Hayes, a psychology professor at the University of Nevada, “you’re increasing the number of associates that remind you of it.”
Instead, it’s better to treat them just like you would a silly, meaningless song. They exist, but they have little bearing on your life.
The Atlantic, 2016
One study “found that various defusion techniques,
including singing the unwanted thought and saying it in a cartoon voice, reduced the frequency of the thought while making it less believable. The strategy worked better than both the control and another strategy called “restructuring,” in which the person tries to come up with an alternative thought.”
The Atlantic, 2016
I don’t know how any of the aforementioned travails are going to turn out for me. But I will keep singing my nonsense songs, and sitting myself in front of sunny windows and speaking words of encouragement and inspiration to myself. I am notoriously fickle. But I have a feeling that after this dark, confusing time has become a ‘was’, I will catch a glimpse of my bloomed self in a mirror or a windowpane and think... ‘stunning’!
Celebrate Your Own Damned Season - A Different Way Of Celebrating For A Different Kind Of Growth
Each of the past year’s losses came with a gift inside. A jewel of learning and of becoming that calls for a different kind of celebrating.
A younger coworker was doing her best to convince me to go to the company holiday party. I smiled at each of her reasons for why I should go, but was not moved in my decision. Another coworker closer to my age who had been observing our exchange joined in... “You’re just not there right now. You’re not in that space.” She said it with such knowing, such easy acceptance that I was not only grateful for but comforted by her understanding.
End of year is usually a time for celebrating. Celebrating what you achieved, what you survived, what you learned, how you grew. I’m usually the first to call out to my group of friends: “Who’s hosting?” Or, “Who wants to come over for...?” during the holiday season.
But this year... 2019 has been a different kind of year for me. And I feel the need for a different kind of celebrating. This year was one of many losses for me and for several people close to me. The losses themselves were a shock, emotional bombshells each one. But each loss came with a gift inside. A jewel of learning and of becoming that the loss necessitated. There was gain and growth this year as well, but not the flashy growth and gain of here-and-gone spring annuals, but the unfurling of a few leaves and a slow, upward stretching and outward thickening of a central trunk - the decidedly unshowy growth of evergreens and perennials.
Celebrating that kind of growth looks a little different. It looks like more intimate gatherings with smaller groups of friends - people who appreciate leaves as much as they do flowers. It looks like quiet time alone to reflect and sigh and smile and cry. It looks like notebooks filled with lessons learned from moments of confusion and hurt. It looks like opting out of the company party to go to a neighborhood gathering where the conversations will be more authentic, the hugs inappropriately long, the food cooked by hands I know.
When I look back and recall the ways i chose to celebrate the end of this year, this decade... I believe i’ll be glad that I consciously chose to not just celebrate the season as dictated by calendar or custom, but as dictated by my own life’s season.
Today, another coworker sent a text, “You missed out on a great party...”
I replied: “I didn’t miss out. I chose.”
.
how to survive a zombie attack
The recent flesh-eating incidents in Miami and Maryland may have you wondering. The zombie preparedness kits issued by the CDC may have you questioning. But believe me, Dear Reader, zombies are real*. They are already here. And… they’re coming to get you, Barbara.
You may have even had a few run-ins with zombies already and survived those incidents based on nothing but sheer luck. Well, let me tell you, luck isn’t gonna get you to the end of the movie with all your limbs still intact. Know-how will. So, since I’d like to see you on the other side of the closing credits, I thought I’d share these 10 tips for surviving a zombie attack (aka, 10 tips for dealing with the people and situations that suck the life out of you).
Learn How to Identify a Zombie
Aka, ‘What You Don’t Know, Might Eat You’. Some folks find it difficult to spot zombies since zombies kinda look like everybody else. But it’s actually pretty simple to identify a zombie once you know how. Zombies move very, very slowly and they stumble and stagger about without any sense of where they’re going. They always seem dazed. Everything that comes out of their mouths is either a foul, disgusting mess or incoherent babble. If you find yourself in the company of someone like this, you might be chopping it up with a zombie. No need to excuse yourself. Just bounce.
Don’t Go Where Zombies Go
This can be difficult to adhere to, since zombies can be almost anywhere. But there are certain places that zombies seem to have particular affinities for, such as: places where there’s not a lot of intelligent life around (like graveyards and shopping malls); Dark, smelly places (like graveyards or strip clubs); and places where there are a lot of plump, slow-moving humans to feed on (like crappy Chinese-food buffets and South Florida). Try to stay clear of these places as much as possible.
Wear Protective Gear
Even in their decaying state, zombies seem to have pretty strong choppers. They can chomp right through bone, flesh, and organs. A full-body suit of impenetrable armor probably isn’t practical, but you can minimize your risk by protecting your most vulnerable spots from suspected zombies, namely:
Your head / brain – brains are zombie delicacies, remember?
Chest/heart – without your heart, you’re useless
Feet / hands – the two things that will allow you to either escape or fight off a zombie
Learn to Use a Weapon
Doesn’t matter if it’s a rifle, a pickaxe, a bow and arrow, or a slingshot. Get skilled at using something to defend yourself against the zombies when you can no longer outrun them. And the # 1 weapon you should learn to use? Your brain. It’s the one thing they’re after and the one thing you’ve got that they don’t.
Keep a Light on You
Zombies hate fire. Make sure you always have something on you (or in you) that burns brightly enough to send them scurrying away like roaches.
Go to a Deserted Island
Aka, ‘Go to Your Happy Place’. You ever seen a zombie swim? Me either. Find a place in the middle of a vast, deep ocean that the zombies can’t reach.
Get a Redneck Friend
If, during your zombie-fighting adventures, you encounter someone who regularly wears a cowboy hat or boots, speaks with a Southern twang, or sounds un-self-conscious saying the word ‘y’all’, stick to that joker like white on rice. A good redneck friend can be just what you need to help you survive in zombie land. They generally know how to make do in the worst of circumstances without letting it get them down; They’ve likely been shooting and killing things since they were knee-high to a Junebug; and they’re pretty much guaranteed to have a kick-ass batch of moonshine one them, which you’re probably gonna need to take the edge off. Just be sure to make sure your redneck buddy isn’t a zombie before you ride off into the sunset together.
Travel in a Group
It can get lonely in zombie land. So, if you can, find some like-minded non-zombies to keep you company. You’ve got the added benefit of safety in numbers, and you can even share strategies for zombie survival with one another. And remember, if and when the zombies attack, you don’t have to outrun the zombies, you just have to outrun your slowest friend.
Be Ruthless
As I mentioned earlier, zombies kinda look like everybody else. In fact, a zombie could be someone you thought you knew. Sure, that re-animated corpse looks like your Great Aunt Thelma, but it’s actually a brain-eating pile of rotting flesh. The zombie apocalypse is no time for being overly sentimental. If Aunt Thelma starts trying to nibble on your brains, don’t get all weepy and start screaming, “Why Aunt Thelma? Why!!??” Do both of you a favor, and put her out of her misery.
If All Else Fails, Blend In!
Yes, I know I said you shouldn’t go where zombies go, but in the off chance that you find yourself surrounded by them with no immediate way out, blend in. It’s pretty easy to fake like a zombie. Anybody with half a brain could do it (refer back to #1 if you’re not sure). Just be very careful with this tactic and use it only when you have no other choice. Because the longer you pretend to be a zombie, the more likely you are to end up a zombie.
*Of course, I don’t really believe in zombies. And neither does the CDC, in case you were wondering. But we’ve all encountered people who made you question that belief. You know them. People who drain your energy, people who’d chew you up and spit you out and think nothing of it, or just people who seem to be wandering aimlessly about in life without a thought for you or even for themselves. It helps to have some strategies for dealing with those kinds of people or situations, and I hope this tongue-in-cheek list of tips not only gave you something to laugh at, but also something to think about.
witches heal
I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read simply, ‘Witches Heal’. I blurted out, ‘I LIKE that!” The Other looked at me strangely without looking at me at all. I think I scared him.
Today, I came home frustrated and sad. I didn’t even make it to the front door before the tears came hot, rolling down my face. Luckily it was raining outside, so the neighbor didn’t think twice about my wet face as I waved hello from the yard. I rushed to my room to have a good cry and as the fat, salty tears came sliding out, a poem flowered in my mind. I rushed to my notebook and scrawled out the words as fast as I could. When I was done, I no longer felt or wanted or needed the crying.
I wish I could make the Other understand that this is what witchcraft really is.
work is play – what I learned from kickball
When I get the opportunity to work with larger, corporate clients I often hesitate, even cringe. My main reason for deciding to pursue a non-traditional career was because most corporate cultures are just too dysfunctional for my tastes. Bad behavior, internal politics, and power plays are often rampant in corporate environments, and no matter how long I usually succeed in avoiding them, I eventually either get pulled into them or fed up with them. Besides, I have my health to consider. Even though corporate gigs tend to pay well and offer more perqs, what good is it if I’m increasing my stress and blood pressure in the process? In short, I’m not dying to work.
Which is why I often prefer to work as an independent contractor (aka, freelancer). As an independent, I’m essentially a company of one, so any dysfunction is all my own. I can deal with that. But the downside is that, as a freelancer, I usually work alone. In my home office. With no one else for company other than the voices in my head.
As entertaining as those voices are, I like working with other people. Especially if they’re smart and talented. There’s something very motivating, inspiring, and well… fun about working on a common objective with people who have the talent and the drive to make it happen with you. I guess you could say, I like working with people who take their work seriously but don’t take themselves seriously.
That’s the basis of my primary philosophy about work: ‘work is play’.
I tend to view work very similar to the way I viewed recess in elementary and middle school. Back then, the playground game of choice for me and my classmates was kickball. We’d play every day without fail. It was less a game, and more like a recurring chapter in the ongoing daily saga of our pre-teen lives. Two people would be appointed team captains, and the captains would choose teams, making sure each team had a couple of really good kickers, a pitcher, at least 1 person with a good throwing arm, and some really, really fast runners. Once the teams were decided, the rules of play were agreed to – no bunting; you have to tag somebody out, not hit them with the ball; the foul zone was between the edge of the pavement and the monkey bars. Eventually, play would begin. Each game had its high points and low points, conflicts and petty arguments. There would be hilarious moments when something ridiculously funny would happen, and when recess ended, we’d recount the game’s highlights long after that day’s winner and loser had been decided.
Reflecting on those playground sessions has helped me realize some important facts about work and working that I consider fundamental principles of my ‘work is play’ philosophy. Namely:
The best teams have a diverse mix of people.
If everyone on the team were the same type of player, it wouldn’t be much of a team. The teams that I’ve had the most fun with and learned the most from were those that were made up of people with backgrounds, cultures, and interests quite different from my own. Besides, it makes water cooler conversations a treat, to say the least.
Be clear about the rules can you live with / without.
In kickball, some of the rules were standard for the game itself, others evolved as we played the game repeatedly. It’s only by playing a few games that you get a feel for which rules you prefer and which ones you absolutely have to have. I tend to prefer working in situations where the rules of play aren’t as rigid as most. Flexible work hours, casual attire, a short commute – these are some ‘rules’ I prefer, but aren’t absolute deal-breakers. But frequent travel, lack of autonomy, and weekends in the office are work rules that just don’t work for me.
It’s just a game.
Play stops being fun when games are taken too seriously. The game is a part of life. It isn’t life itself. You are not a great person because you are a great kickball player, anymore than you are a great person because you are a high-level executive. The position you hold in the game is not the source of your power or strength or worth. It is the qualities and traits that you bring to the position. If and when the game ends, you will still possess the qualities and traits that make you who you are. In short, the game should neither consume nor define you.
The game can go on without you.
You don’t always have to be in the game. I remember a period during middle school when, instead of playing during recess, I would sit by myself and read or write in my journal. This went on for months. Then one day, I decided I’d had enough and went back to play. Not much had changed with the game since the last time I’d played, and I returned to the daily routine as if I’d never left. It’s okay to sit out a few rounds, if you need and want to. Take time away from the game to do something for yourself, with yourself, or by yourself – especially if it’s something that will make you a better player when you return to the team. Not only can the game go on without you, but you can go on without the game.
After-game reflection is almost as important as the game itself.
Conflict was an inevitable part of almost every playground kickball game. Occasionally, tempers would flare so high that there would still be tension after recess was over. Fortunately, the class immediately following recess was one in which our teacher would take time to help us work through any unresolved issues. Because our class was so small and close-knit, it was important that our relationships remained intact. Our teacher (a truly wise woman), gently forced us to reflect on our own behavior and that of our classmates, so we could grow in our understanding of each other, and ultimately go back to play another day. Taking time to reflect after every job or project is essential. It gives me the chance to assess how well I performed, what I might do differently next time, and what lessons I learned from any conflicts or issues that arose during play. After-game reflection is the #1 way to get better each time you play.
When I think back on those childhood kickball games, I realize that all of those playground maneuverings, all of the wins and the losses, and the occasional accidental injuries were teaching us how to work together, how to navigate relationships, and how to achieve a common goal with a group of not-so-common people. For me, work serves the same purpose – it’s the ‘playground’ where I show up to contribute my talents, to learn something, and to have fun in the process.
Once you’re able to approach your work with the mindset of play, you open up the potential for some serious learning experiences, simply by not taking everything so seriously. In work as on the playground, you have the ultimate say in what game you’re playing and what rules you play by.
on desire
A word of wisdom: never trust someone who desires you.
They do not think rationally. It is much better to be admired, respected, or even cherished than to be desired.
When someone admires you, they tend to emulate you or at least honor who they perceive you to be.
If someone respects you, they generally won’t do anything to or around you that would decrease the amount of respect they have for you or you for them.
If someone cherishes you, they treat you like a precious thing, something that they consider worthwhile and have placed a high value on.
Yet if someone desires you, they will do anything to have you. At first, that may sound like a promising (or even profitable) situation to be in. But maybe not so much when you look at it for what it really is.
Have you ever heard someone say, “I was out of my mind with desire”? Conversely, have you ever heard someone say that they were out of their mind with admiration or respect?
The reason people say they’re out of their mind with desire is simple: unchecked desire makes you do things that, under normal circumstances, don’t make any sense at all. Things that run counter to every bit of logic or common sense you have in your body. Desire is an emotion that burns hot and fast, in direct opposition to the ‘cooler’ faculties of logic and common sense.
Desire seeks the attainment of a thing (or person or state) not the maintaining of that thing – which we all know is the more strenuous part of any endeavor. It requires more stamina, discipline, and commitment to see a thing through than it does to start a thing off. A few examples:
You desire a hot new car, but don’t consider the monthly payments and high maintenance costs
You desire a high-profile position, not considering the long hours and/or life sacrifices that come along with the new role
You desire enlightenment, but did not consider that it might mean letting go of the world to keep it
Am I saying that desire is a bad emotion that should be rooted out of you? No, of course not. I don’t believe that desire is bad.
In being the catalyst that makes us do the thing that we normally we would not, desire serves its purpose. Desire determines the direction we will head in, but gives no thought for what will truly be required for the journey. Its highly combustible nature creates enough energy to get us started, to launch us off on a particular course of action. But the unskilled person foolishly believes that the existence of desire is all that is needed to justify acting on it.
If you desire something or if you yourself are the object of another’s desire, make note of it – keep it in the forefront of your mind, let it drive your mind’s wanderings and daydreams, but hold off on acting on it until someone older and more responsible (a.k.a. your common sense, inner Jiminy Cricket, right-shoulder friend, etc.) shows up for the ride.
“There is no greater transgression than condoning people’s selfish desires….”
-- Lao Tzu